Torn

I gree up in a church going, bible believing family.  When I left home I continued to go to church every Sunday, even though no one told me I had to go.  I usually sat with my actual family every week too.  

As I grew older, I continued to attend, again, although no one was making me go.

Keep in mind I was going to a LARGE church and still felt like I should be there. Then around my 22nd year I decided to move 2000+ miles away.  Once I got there I realized I needed church.  So I attended a smallish baptist church that the majority of my extended family went to.  

Then I was led to return home (iowa).  I went with my mother to a church that was small, but had genuine worship, and a black pastor, who spoke "black".  I don't mean that in any derogatory sense...  But he was able to speak to people in all walks of life...  Black, white. Good jobs, no jobs...  I liked it there.  My mom eventually stopped going, but I continued.  After a while I would make excuses to leave mid-service.  And then I stopped going altogether.  

Around the beginning of this year I decided that I needed church again, and went back to the church that I had stopped going to around 22.  I attended steadily for 3-4 months, and then my love of being in bed Sunday mornings won over.  4 or so months later today I was at said church again for a carnival.  Two people I have known and known my family came up to me and was asking about my family.  I gave them brief yes and no's, and then they asked if I went to church there.  I said no, because I like to sleep in on Sunday's.  I know that was a pathetic excuse.  It has been troubling me all day and I don't want to face facts.

I NEED to be involved in a church family:.. But I am scared. 

There are so many things that I am scared of... And I don't know where to begin.  

But perhaps this is my beginning.

The 26th year.

Today I turned 26.  Don't ask me how I feel about that, because I don't actually know yet.  On one hand, I feel soooo old.  And yet on the other hand, I feel as though there is no way that I could be that old.  I'm mean, just yesterday...  I don't know.  But, I don't know.

That is how I feel about today.  

My 25th year has been one of the hardest, most painstakingly long, gruesome years ever.  I am so glad that it is over.  

When I blew out my candles today, I didn't have a specific wish in mind... And yet I did. 

That is the confusion of the 26th year I believe.  

Happy birthday to me.

Attitude

I've realized that my attitude is directly influenced by who I spend time with. (Shocking, it is not.). So when I try to spend time with people who will build me up, they blow me off.  So, in order to have a good attitude, I must??? 

Sorry...  This day has been weird, and this doesn't make any sense.  I just needed to vent a bit... Not that it did any good.  

Bleh.

Chapstick

I have become someone that HAS to have something on their lips 24/7 since I was a senior in high school, or thereabouts.  About 2-3 years ago I finally found the PERFECT chapstick, and have faithfully been using it ever since.  I mean, I have a tube in my purse, night stand, and a drawer in my living room.  And I use it all the way down to the bottom of the tube- when there is nothing more to get out.  

Maybelline Baby Lips. 

Seriously.  

I would but a few tubes at a time- just to keep stocked up.  I hate running out. 

Recently, I was down to none, so I put it on my list for target.

It was $4.99 a stick.

No.

When I first started buying it, it was $2.99.  Last fall it was $3.99, and I still bought maybe two...  But now?

No.  

So. 

Maybelline- if you want a spokesperson, I would love to be your girl.  

But I can't justify paying that much.  If my paycheck tripled...  Maybe. 

But no.  

As someone who uses your product mutiple times, DAILY-  it's just too much to pay.

I was going to tweet about this, but them I realized that 140 characters were not going to be enough.

I ♥️ chapstick.

Sooo

I have had this urge to write for the last 4 months or so.  I have chosen to ignore that urge, and I am sad that I ignored it.

So much of my life has changed-  I don't even know where to begin.

So, I will post a picture for the time being.