Oh, hello.

I feel things should be updated.

Dad is still here with us.  He talked to the doctor today- but he also sent me a text that made me mad, so as far as his health, I don't know anything because I am keeping to the old adage- don't say anything unless you have something nice to say.
I do know after the last round of chemo they said that the cancer was coming back despite the chemo.  After the scan this week, they will decide on continued chemo.  If it appears the cancer is still growing, then the will discontinue the chemo, and do radiation.
Like I said,
Dad made me mad today, so I don't have any concrete info.
I'm sure i will be over it in the next couple days, just not right now.

I have been feeling like a grinch about Christmas.
Every other year, I have all the Christmas decorations up by now.
This year, I have not had any desire to put up anything.  I have still gotten presents, but anything else seems like too much.
Perhaps it is because of everything I am going through?
I don't know...  I'm sure I will figure it out.


P.S. There has been a birth in our family...  I'm not allowed to post anything until they say they are ready, so watch out for multiple baby posts!!

You know what?

My last post was correct.
I apparently don't post unless there is something wrong.
My dad was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer last week.
That means it is fast growing and aggressive.
The doctor told him that he has 6 months if he doesn't respond to chemo, or 2 years if he does.
Those are both very finite points in time.
I don't know how to deal with everything.
Wine helps.
Sobbing to my friend while she is away at a show also helps.
But everything sucks right now.

It's been a while.

I don't post a whole lot.

But when I do, it's something that I feel cannot be kept in.

I attended one of the most devastating funerals I have ever been to today. (Or, seeing as it is after midnight, yesterday)

My friends brother killed himself last weekend.  

He was the same age as my brother, having had a similar profession.

My mind immediately went to how I would have felt, were it my own brother.

I was devastated.

I cannot even begin to fathom how my friend is feeling.

At the funeral today the family was being presented with the flag (he was a former marine)...  

The sanctuary was silent, except for the wracking sobs of his mother.

I was hearing her heartache.

I sobbed for her loss.

For the families loss.

For my friend losing her brother.  

For the parents loosing their only son.

For the sisters that will forever be missing their brother.

Our country lost a hero last week.

Torn

I gree up in a church going, bible believing family.  When I left home I continued to go to church every Sunday, even though no one told me I had to go.  I usually sat with my actual family every week too.  

As I grew older, I continued to attend, again, although no one was making me go.

Keep in mind I was going to a LARGE church and still felt like I should be there. Then around my 22nd year I decided to move 2000+ miles away.  Once I got there I realized I needed church.  So I attended a smallish baptist church that the majority of my extended family went to.  

Then I was led to return home (iowa).  I went with my mother to a church that was small, but had genuine worship, and a black pastor, who spoke "black".  I don't mean that in any derogatory sense...  But he was able to speak to people in all walks of life...  Black, white. Good jobs, no jobs...  I liked it there.  My mom eventually stopped going, but I continued.  After a while I would make excuses to leave mid-service.  And then I stopped going altogether.  

Around the beginning of this year I decided that I needed church again, and went back to the church that I had stopped going to around 22.  I attended steadily for 3-4 months, and then my love of being in bed Sunday mornings won over.  4 or so months later today I was at said church again for a carnival.  Two people I have known and known my family came up to me and was asking about my family.  I gave them brief yes and no's, and then they asked if I went to church there.  I said no, because I like to sleep in on Sunday's.  I know that was a pathetic excuse.  It has been troubling me all day and I don't want to face facts.

I NEED to be involved in a church family:.. But I am scared. 

There are so many things that I am scared of... And I don't know where to begin.  

But perhaps this is my beginning.

The 26th year.

Today I turned 26.  Don't ask me how I feel about that, because I don't actually know yet.  On one hand, I feel soooo old.  And yet on the other hand, I feel as though there is no way that I could be that old.  I'm mean, just yesterday...  I don't know.  But, I don't know.

That is how I feel about today.  

My 25th year has been one of the hardest, most painstakingly long, gruesome years ever.  I am so glad that it is over.  

When I blew out my candles today, I didn't have a specific wish in mind... And yet I did. 

That is the confusion of the 26th year I believe.  

Happy birthday to me.

Attitude

I've realized that my attitude is directly influenced by who I spend time with. (Shocking, it is not.). So when I try to spend time with people who will build me up, they blow me off.  So, in order to have a good attitude, I must??? 

Sorry...  This day has been weird, and this doesn't make any sense.  I just needed to vent a bit... Not that it did any good.  

Bleh.

Chapstick

I have become someone that HAS to have something on their lips 24/7 since I was a senior in high school, or thereabouts.  About 2-3 years ago I finally found the PERFECT chapstick, and have faithfully been using it ever since.  I mean, I have a tube in my purse, night stand, and a drawer in my living room.  And I use it all the way down to the bottom of the tube- when there is nothing more to get out.  

Maybelline Baby Lips. 

Seriously.  

I would but a few tubes at a time- just to keep stocked up.  I hate running out. 

Recently, I was down to none, so I put it on my list for target.

It was $4.99 a stick.

No.

When I first started buying it, it was $2.99.  Last fall it was $3.99, and I still bought maybe two...  But now?

No.  

So. 

Maybelline- if you want a spokesperson, I would love to be your girl.  

But I can't justify paying that much.  If my paycheck tripled...  Maybe. 

But no.  

As someone who uses your product mutiple times, DAILY-  it's just too much to pay.

I was going to tweet about this, but them I realized that 140 characters were not going to be enough.

I ♥️ chapstick.