Torn

I gree up in a church going, bible believing family.  When I left home I continued to go to church every Sunday, even though no one told me I had to go.  I usually sat with my actual family every week too.  

As I grew older, I continued to attend, again, although no one was making me go.

Keep in mind I was going to a LARGE church and still felt like I should be there. Then around my 22nd year I decided to move 2000+ miles away.  Once I got there I realized I needed church.  So I attended a smallish baptist church that the majority of my extended family went to.  

Then I was led to return home (iowa).  I went with my mother to a church that was small, but had genuine worship, and a black pastor, who spoke "black".  I don't mean that in any derogatory sense...  But he was able to speak to people in all walks of life...  Black, white. Good jobs, no jobs...  I liked it there.  My mom eventually stopped going, but I continued.  After a while I would make excuses to leave mid-service.  And then I stopped going altogether.  

Around the beginning of this year I decided that I needed church again, and went back to the church that I had stopped going to around 22.  I attended steadily for 3-4 months, and then my love of being in bed Sunday mornings won over.  4 or so months later today I was at said church again for a carnival.  Two people I have known and known my family came up to me and was asking about my family.  I gave them brief yes and no's, and then they asked if I went to church there.  I said no, because I like to sleep in on Sunday's.  I know that was a pathetic excuse.  It has been troubling me all day and I don't want to face facts.

I NEED to be involved in a church family:.. But I am scared. 

There are so many things that I am scared of... And I don't know where to begin.  

But perhaps this is my beginning.